The emails below show the sequential way two different essays were edited.
Sometimes it is clearer to copy and paste the whole paragraph or the main part of the paragraph for the proofreader’s correction. The meaning of some sentences can be often confusing despite knowing the context of the text. Thus, not only it is important to be clear about an idea of the paragraph’s sense, but also, when this is finally not possible, to have a good understanding between the student and Richard/the proofreader. Then they build/establish a dialogue as shown in both emails.
Email 1 corresponds to Examinations of the essay Bruegel and the Northern Renaissance
Hi Irene,
Erasmus and Bruegel (page 3)
(…) What Erasmus achieved compelling the proverbs in his Adagia and other works were similar to Luther’s scope by translating the Bible into German.
I think compelling is an adjective in this case. Maybe is correct this option.
If we’re using ‘compelling’ as an adjective the sentence would need to be something like this…
What Erasmus achieves was compelling, the proverbs in his…
The man lost in the world (page 5)
Regarding the formal aspect, we should underline Bruegel’s simplifications. In the series of paintings of the Months of the 1560s (could you clarify this for me?), the underdrawing is characterised by loose contours and outlines in brown and black brushstrokes that we can see in faces and garments (figure 3).
What do you need to clarify please? From what point? The series of paintings… or the underdrawing is characterised by loose contours and outlines…
I was slightly confused by the way you incorporated the title into the sentence. Perhaps try this…
In his series of paintings known as ‘Months’ produced in the 1560s…
On the same page 5
The main subject matter was displaced from the centre to the edges of the painting, moreover, it was playing no part at all or a very subordinate one in the world.
I removed part of the sentence but am not sure if the sentence is correct now with the “moreover” between comas…
What do you think of this?
The main subject matter was displaced from the centre to the edges of the painting, representing the idea that it was no longer playing a substantial part in the world.
Sancho Panza has emerged from a Bruegel’s peasant painting (page 8)
Being that peasantry represented 80% of the population and considering that this status was often treated marginally -peasantry was an ever present interest, especially for cultured elites- except when they were complaining through popular revolts, Bruegel’s representation of rural areas attracts my attention.
I tried to connect the second sentence with the first sentence. I wrote in blue the new one.
This is an improvement. I would only change ‘this status’ to ‘their status’.
In the Peasant Wedding Banquet (figure 4) all the statuses of Ancient Régime are represented, although the majority are part of a featureless group belonging to the peasants.
I made a mistake with the word statuses (not statues), with article or without it?
All the status of the Ancient Regime is represented
On the same page 8 and beginning of 9:
He idealises neither peasant lifestyle -the beatus ille- nor tempers the hardness of agricultural work, and not even the constant cold that we see in The Hunters in the Snow (1565), The Census at Bethlehem and The Massacre of Innocents. His paintings are not depicting an Arcadian view or a representation of the golden age of classics.
I have no idea if it is correct…
What about this?
He idealises neither peasant lifestyle – the beatus ille – nor tempers the harsh realities of agricultural working conditions, as demonstrated by The Hunters…
In the second example, in relation to page 6 and figures 1, 2, and 3, the student adds a comment about an etching which was included in the annex’s images and that the proofreader had not known it yet.
In art editing works, the knowledge of the chosen images in addition to the text by the proofreader is essential because there are normally many descriptions and visual references of them in the body of the text and footnotes. So both, proofreader and student should share the files of the images or, at least, the student must provide the images to the proofreader from the beginning to avoid misunderstandings.
The student also warns the proofreader about the difficulty of page 8. This instance might be the typical case of a misunderstanding as its philosophical content is particularly heavy. Perhaps, the difficult understanding of the subject would make the proofreader feel removed from art or the specific religious activity that is related.
Email 2. The political and doctrinal message in Bernini’s statue group Ecstasy of St Teresa
Hello Richard,
I have attached the final essay with your last corrections. I changed some lines, especially the difficult phrase on page 8 about the mental oration. It is quite abstract. The red lines in the notes are incomplete, don’t worry about them.
I am wondering if you could re-read from Bernini to the end and have a look the changes below. Let me know your time that you spend doing it in your book.
According to my file, the changes are:
Page 2, 3rd paragraph: “… while our Cornaro never hid his patrician trend/taste (?)”
Both brothers followed a Christian simplicity of facing their own sunset, while our Cornaro never hid his patrician taste.
Page 3, 2nd paragraph: “The number of the burials of nobility and cardinalate in St Maria della Vittoria had notably increased across the decade as the clerks had focused their missions on towns and need to advertise themselves meaningfully.”
The number of the burials of nobility and cardinalate in St Maria della Vittoria had notably increased across the decade as the clerks had focused their attentions on towns.
Page 6, 1st paragraph: “We also may consider Bernini’s knowledge of Teresian imagery, especially the prints made for the event. However, Teresa’s iconography clearly shows Bernini’s departure from the traditional pose of the figures.”
Betrothal of St Teresa to Christ, Receiving the Wound of Christ’s Nail (figures, 1, 2 and 3). In the last two we see a visual analogy of the physical Christ’s suffering (carrying the nail) and the mystical stage of the saint prayer (the dart tip pierces her heart through).
In the last two we see a visual analogy of the physical Christ’s suffering (carrying the nail) and the mystical stage of the saint prayer (the dart tip pierces through her heart).
In this image Christ is carrying a nail (one nail of the cross). You haven’t seen the etching because I haven’t done the annex with the images yet.
Notwithstanding the possibility that Bernini did not remember it, perhaps a Carmelite order’s theologian or his friend Monsignor Mascardi might provide him the text.
Notwithstanding the possibility that Bernini did not remember it, perhaps a Carmelite order’s theologian or his friend Monsignor Mascardi might have provided him the text.
Page 8: In this time Bernini, a devout person, began to visit the Jesuit Church of the Gesù where he attended the mass of Good Death and practiced spiritual exercises, most significantly the positio loci. It is the basis of St Ignatio’s Spiritual Exercises. More specifically, the mental practice of prayer taking the place of Christ’s passion before the image of Christ crucified. This living observance, the total identification with Him, belongs to Christianity.
In this time Bernini, a devout person, began to visit the Jesuit Church of the Gesù where he attended the mass of Good Death and practiced spiritual exercises, most significantly the positio loci. It is the basis of St Ignatio’s Spiritual Exercises, the mental practice of prayer taking the place of Christ’s passion before the image of Christ’s crucifixion.
Page 10, conclusion: In principle, there is a political motive within the structures of the Church, and through the theologian of the Discalced Carmelites’s arbitration and the own Bernini’s well thought-out work, the result is the creation of a sublime funerary chapel.
In principle, there is a political motive within the structures of the Church, and through the theologian of the Discalced Carmelites’s arbitration and Bernini’s own well thought-out work, the result is the creation of a sublime funerary chapel.
The representation of a drama must do to live the drama. The “success” of Catholicism had been in strengthening the emotional stimulus because it had not left behind the force of conviction that is embedded in any devotional image and liturgical drama. (I am not sure about this last sentence)
The representation of a drama must act out the drama. The “success” of Catholicism had been in strengthening the emotional stimulus because it had not left behind the force of conviction that is embedded in any devotional image and liturgical drama.
One to One English Lessons with Richard 